


I Thought I Lost You

by dontoverthinkthis



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Basically end of season 1, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Friendship, Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24124315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontoverthinkthis/pseuds/dontoverthinkthis
Summary: Takes places during “Tales of Leo” until almost the end of the first season. Lila wasn’t in the shop when it was destroyed, and she’s left behind when the Turtles, April and Casey flee New York City to the farmhouse. She believes all her friends are dead and is devastated, not knowing they’re alive.
Kudos: 3





	I Thought I Lost You

Flashback:

It was an ordinary day for Lila. She went to school, then headed to work at 2nd Time Around. There, she made some sales, enjoyed the lemon bars April O’Neil, her boss and close friend, made for her as a snack, and talked happily in the presence of her friends the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who were currently living with April due to the Foot Clan’s search for them since they defeated the Foot Clan leader, Shredder. It was a great day at work, and it felt like it ended too soon for Lila when the shop closed at 8pm and she had to go home. For once, Aunt Irma was home early and she was making one of their favorite meals (spaghetti and meatballs with fresh salad and garlic bread). She waved good-bye to her friends and promised to see them tomorrow for more work and fun.

Early the next morning, Aunt Irma woke Lila up with a sad look on her face. When Lila questioned what was wrong, she was led to the television, where the news was playing. The cameras showed the destroyed, charred remains of an apartment building on a very familiar street. The reporter on the scene, Marvin Chung, reported that the building was home to an antique store called 2nd Time Around.

Lila knew. She knew before the revelation that it was the 2nd Time Around. Marvin further reported that it burned down in an apparent accident, and left no survivors. Letting out a horrified gasp, she whispered “No” before collapsing into Aunt Irma’s arms, sobbing in grief. All of her friends were dead, and she had the distinct feeling that their deaths weren’t accidents. There’s no way that the Foot wouldn’t be vengeful for their master’s defeat. She had no idea why she was spared, but theorized it was simply because she didn’t live with April. April and Casey were collateral damage in the revenge of the Foot Clan.

All of Lila’s friends were killed by the Foot, and they left her all alone. She spent the day sobbing her heart out, and Aunt Irma allowed her to stay home as long as she needed to. Two days after the tragedy was revealed, Lila surprised her aunt by returning to school, to Irma’s protests, but Lila explained that school was all that was left for her now that her friends were dead and she had no job. 

It was the worst day of Lila’s life. 

Present

It’s been three months since the tragedy happened. At Irma’s insistence, Lila now sees a grief counselor weekly. Her counselor is a very kind woman named Dr. Hamilton, and she’s doing her best to help Lila resume her life.

“You loved your friends,” Dr. Hamilton said sympathetically during one of their first sessions. “When my father died, I thought I would, too. But it didn’t. You’re young, and healthy, and you have a whole life ahead of you. Healing will take a long time, and you’ll always miss your friends but they wouldn’t want you to be depressed over them for the rest of your life. You have to honor them by living for them.”

Lila takes her counselor’s advice the best she can. She’s trying to find joy in everything she can, and takes each day as it comes. That doesn’t make it any easier, because no matter where she goes, she sees her friends everywhere she looks and in everything she hears.

She hears Mikey narrating the comic book she pokes through at the bookstore. She smells April in the raspberry scones she makes for home economics class and she smells Leo in the sword she sees at the museum. She feels Donnie’s hand on her shoulder when she types up a report on the history of computer usage. She sees Raph and Casey when she happens to flip onto a wrestling program when switching channels late at night when she’s waiting for Aunt Irma to get home. She tastes Splinter’s brew when she makes jasmine tea to de-stress. 

Lila misses them all so much. The pain of all their deaths hurt just as much as the day her parents abandoned her. She remembers hearing them, as a young child, agreeing that they never wanted her. She still hears her mother walking out the door with the intention of returning to India and her father begging her not to leave, that he’ll get rid of Lila somehow so they can be together. She still feels the pain of her father’s beatings on her young body and remembers when he was arrested, and when she had to testify against him. She remembers when he was sentenced for abuse and other charges too numerous to list. For a while all Lila had was Aunt Irma, until she met April and the Turtles and Splinter and Casey. Aside from Aunt Irma, they made her feel wanted and like family.

And now they’re gone, and she’ll never see them again.She’s thankful that school went on spring break yesterday. She’s a little better from three months ago, and is learning to live without her friends, no, her family. So far, she hasn’t found new friends or a new job, but Aunt Irma isn’t allowing her to work for at least another nine months, or as long as Lila needs to, because she’s worried for her niece’s mental and emotional health. Irma would happily support Lila forever if Lila isn’t so independent. 

Like Dr. Hamilton says, one day at a time. 

*

One of the hobbies Lila’s taken up is gardening, specifically flowers. She’s always liked flowers, not just for their beauty, but because every single one has a different meaning. Plus, she likes to take care of something, and the apartment doesn’t allow for pets, so plants are the best thing. 

Currently, Lila is growing three types of flowers: red roses, white chrysanthemums, and pink gladiolus. Her aunt and some of the neighbors on other floors have remarked on the beauty of her flowers, and she accepts the compliments with a smile, but nobody knows the meanings of the flowers except for her.

Everyone knows that red roses mean love. That’s not the only meaning. The roses in Lila’s flower garden represent her love and mourning for her deceased friends. The white chrysanthemums symbolize death, as in the deaths of her beloved friends. And the pink gladiolus symbolizes strength. She knows she’s slowly getting stronger from the tragedy that befell her, but it takes time. 

Today, all of Lila’s flowers have grown to perfectly respectable lengths, and she goes out with her shears. Carefully, she cuts about half of the flowers by the stems until there’s enough for a small bouquet, which she wraps up with a black velvet ribbon. Today, there’s a special purpose for these flowers. 

Lila steps into her living room, where Aunt Irma is sitting over the newspaper with a steaming mug of coffee in her hand. Her head pokes up when Lila comes inside, and she smiles welcoming at her. “Good morning, honey, how are you?” she asks, her voice full of warmth. Lila can’t help smiling a little back.

“I’m doing better today, Aunt Irma,” she replies, fidgeting with the flowers in her hands. Irma’s eyes land on the flowers and her smile becomes soft, yet excited.

“Oh, what beautiful flowers! Who are they for?” 

Lila’s small smile drops off her lips and she swallows. “My friends,” she answers. “I want to go...leave them for them.” An idea, a drive, pops into her head and she looks at her aunt. The one person who’s always been there for her all of her life. “Aunt Irma, will you come with me?”

Aunt Irma softly gasps and puts her coffee on the table. Lila’s been private about mourning for her friends all this time, and the fact she wants Irma to go with her to place the flowers she grew for them is an incredible privilege. “Of course, dear. When do you want to go?” 

“As soon as possible,” Lila replies, looking at the ground. “I think it’s time...I let them go.” Tears shine in her eyes, and Irma gets up to hug her niece. “They’re never coming back, and I need to accept that.” 

Irma hugs her a bit tighter, and tilts her face up, brushing away her niece’s tears. “Let me grab my purse, and we can go right now.” She finishes off her coffee and grabs her purse, Lila on her heels. She takes Lila’s arm and gently escorts her downstairs, where Irma hails a cab. Lila doesn’t loosen the grip on her flowers, but she hastily wipes away her tears when they get into the cab. 

“Where to, ladies?” the driver asks.

“To the 2nd Time Around, please,” Lila asks, and the driver gives her an odd look.

“Miss, that building was destroyed,” the driver says.

“I know. But where we need to go is right there around there,” Lila replies, and the driver gives her a slightly annoyed look and a sigh before driving off. Lila reaches over and pulls the glass screen separating the driver and passengers shut. “Aunt Irma, I think it’s time for you to know. My friends, aside from my boss April and Casey, weren’t really...like others.”

Irma tilts her head curiously. “What do you mean, honey?”

“I don’t know how to say this without you thinking I’ve gone mad,” Lila says, and she quickly holds a hand up. “N-not that I am mad, that is. But what I’m going to tell you sounds weird.” 

“What are you talking about, Lila?” Irma asks just as the cab pulls up to the taped-off remains of 2nd Time Around. Irma reaches into her purse and pays the driver for the short ride and she and Lila climb out. Lila motions for her aunt to follow her to the remains of the antique shop. What remains is nothing, just a taped-off space. “What do you mean about your friends?”

Lila opens her mouth, fully intending to tell Aunt Irma everything. Who her friends truly were and what they truly were. How she often helped them with their crime-fighting from the safety of April’s shop, and how they all protected her because she was the baby of the group. None of it comes out, as she’s struck by the memories of the destroyed shop and tears flood her eyes and choke her as she kneels to lay the flowers down, and begins sobbing like she’s done so many times in the past three months. Seeing nothing where 2nd Time Around serves as both a reminder and a finality that everyone is gone. April, Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo, Casey, and Splinter, all gone, never to come back. “My friends were the best in the world,” is all she’s able to sob out before she can’t talk anymore, and Irma drops to her knees to gather her niece into her arms and hold her tightly, as if wishing she could spare Lila all of this pain. She shuts her eyes and cradles her sobbing niece. For only fifteen years of life so far, Lila’s known a lot of pain and here she is with more. Irma usually believes in the goodness of the world, but it’s times like this she can’t help cursing the world for what happened to her sweet and kind-hearted niece. 

Lila sobs for a long time, it seems, until her aunt gently rouses her off her knees, dusts her off and calls a cab to take them home. Once they’re home, Lila collapses on the couch and sobs until she falls asleep, shortly before Irma has to leave for work. She covers her niece with a blanket and leaves her with lunch, a kiss and a note. 

Lila dreams of nothing but her friends.

*

A few hours later, Lila wakes up from her tearful nap, her eyes stinging and red from crying so much. Roughly swiping at them, she sees the lunch Aunt Irma left for her, but she’s just not hungry even though she knows she should be. Pushing it away, she slowly gets off the couch and stretches her weary body, feeling and hearing the cracks when she’s finished stretching. It’s nearly 1pm, and Aunt Irma won’t be home until seven, because she’s been taking off earlier to take care of Lila during this time. Despite her deep sadness, Lila smiles lovingly. She and her aunt deeply love one another. 

The only problem is, since Lila didn’t go to school today, she’s not really sure what to do with the rest of her day, and it’s only the middle of the day. Outside of breaking down in front of her old workplace and sobbing herself to sleep. She doesn’t like to be alone, and since Aunt Irma won’t be home for another few hours...then it hits her. It pains her to think and the thought of doing it sends a fresh wave of tears to her eyes, but she knows in her heart it has to be done. 

Lila goes outside on the balcony and cuts some more flowers out of her garden, wrapping them into a bouquet. She then takes her apartment key and exits the apartment. Going downstairs to the ground floor, she takes a sharp turn into the alley. Kneeling over the manhole cover, she pulls it with all of her strength until it loosens a little, then she pulls until she’s got a bit of it off. Using her feet, she slides the cover about halfway until there’s enough for her to get through it. Sticking her legs in, she feels the ladder rungs with her feet and slides down very slowly so she won’t fall or hurt herself until her waist is bent across the top of the ladder and she’s able to grab the ladder with her hands. Since it’s dark, she very carefully climbs down until her feet hit the floor. Luckily for her, the sewers are illuminated by various lamps, making her way visible.

She begins walking in the direction of the lair. The Turtles have taken her a few times, and she memorized the path to it just in case she needs to have a safe way home at night (though it really isn’t necessary ever since she started working for April, there’s always a Turtle shadowing her on her way home, and she’s very grateful for that). 

Lila takes as long as she needs to for this. It’s going to be hard. It will be, effectively, the final time she acknowledges her friends’ lives, and where they lived, and after this, will be forced to acknowledge they’re gone and will have to let them go. Neither of her parents are deceased, but she had to let go of her mother when she left her and went back to India, and had to let go of her father when he went to prison. Sometimes, in her weaker moments, she clings to the tiny, childish hope of her mother coming back and her father becoming a better person, but she knows that it will never happen. Her parents will never be back, and neither will her friends. 

Lila knows there’s a good chance that this isn’t a good idea. For all she knows, there still could be Foot ninja combing through it, looking for...whatever they look for in their obsession with the Turtles. She’s fully aware that there’s a chance the Foot could (and will) easily eliminate her, but...not that she doesn’t care, she’s just here to honor and let go of her friends so she can move on with her life. She won’t let anyone stand in the way of her healing. (Would Dr. Hamilton be proud of her right now!)

As Lila gets closer to the lair, she thinks she hears voices, but passes it off as some homeless people who have taken refuge in the sewers. But, the voices get louder and stronger the closer she gets to the lair, and the odd thing is they sound...familiar. Her heart picks up as she walks closer, and she feels a little shaky. She realizes she knows those voices, and recognizes them, but passes it off as her own mind attempting to comfort her. This place was the home of her best friends, and it’s reminding her of that.

The voices don’t die down after this, in fact, the closer Lila keeps getting the stronger they keep getting. When she’s just a few feet away, the voices are so close, and she knows each and every one of them. She’s scared, and she almost spins on her heels and runs back home, but she won’t, nor can she. It’s as if her legs are glued to the spot, and she can’t move, but the sounds of laughing break her out of her trance and she’s able to enter through the secret entrance-only to find to her shock it’s completely opened wide! 

Lila’s breath comes in heavy and she runs forward, using the voices as her guides, and she finally sees it. 

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, April O’Neil, Casey Jones and Splinter, all gathered around in the “living room” of the lair. April is standing over Donnie’s desk chair while they chat, Mikey, Raph and Casey are curled on the couch and floor playing a video game, and Leo and Splinter are peacefully talking. All of them look relaxed, content and happy. For her part, Lila can’t move, and is so shocked she’s gripping the bouquet to the point of almost breaking the flowers’ stems.

“I can’t believe that worked,” April says, laughing lightly. “I mean, it wasn’t easy, but we-” As she stands up fully, she catches notice of Lila in the doorway and she stops, her eyes widening and she cuts herself off in deep surprise. 

“But we did it, right?” Donnie finishes for her. “We defeated the Foot, all of us.” He smiles at her, but his smile falls off his face when he notices her expression. “April, what’s wrong?” He follows her gaze to where she’s looking, and makes eye contact with Lila, his eyes widening. “Lila,” he gasps, and the second her name leaves his lips, it’s a chain reaction. Every head whips in Lila’s direction, and everything is stopped. The video game screen beeps but nobody cares, everyone is staring at Lila and normally, she’d be uncomfortable, but right now she couldn’t care less.

“You’re alive,” Lila whispers, her eyes growing impossibly wide as she looks at them all, friends she thought dead for three months. “You’re all alive.”

Leo, ever the diplomatic leader, takes a step forward. “Yes, we’re alive, Lila,” he says cautiously, approaching her.

“B-but, the fire! They said nobody survived!” Lila pieces together early conversation. “Wait, you defeated the Foot? But they practically disbanded after you-they thought you all died! How?! How did you all survive?!” 

“We were able to get out in time, Lil,” Casey explains, getting up off the couch and joining Leo at his side. “We fled to my grandma’s old place in the mountains.” 

“And Leo was really badly hurt,” Mikey adds, “he needed to heal. There was no way he was going to do that in the city with Foot on our tails.”

Lila feels dizzy. “S-so, you left and you didn’t even tell me?” She says, and the looks of guilt on everyone’s faces confirms it. “Were you ever going to tell me?!” 

Splinter takes a step forward. “Miss Langinstein, please try to understand, it was a matter of safety for everyone,” he says to appease her, but while she knows he’s right, she’s furious. 

“So you let me believe all of you were dead for three months?!” She pieces more of the puzzle together. “You let me believe it so the Foot would believe it so you could defeat them?!” 

“Lila-” April approaches her, but she takes a step back, anger consuming her not unlike the fire that consumed the antique shop three months ago, the same fire that she believed all of her friends died in.

“I never stopped mourning you, and the only reason I’m here is so I, I could let you all go!” The final piece clicks into place, but it’s a question. “How long has the Foot been defeated for?”

Donnie sighs. “Three days, now.” 

Lila can’t believe this. “So, if I have all my facts straight, you allowed me to believe all of you were dead for three months due to a tragic accident and you don’t even tell me you’re alive when you’re back in New York City just so you can defeat the Foot? And when you do defeat them you don’t even call me to say you’re alive and okay?! You just let me mourn for you?!” Hot tears fill her eyes. “Do...do you even care about me?”

“C’mon, Lila, it’s not like that,” Raph tries, getting up and reaching for her, but Lila steps out of his grasp.

“Stay away from me! You didn’t care to give me one lick of information, why should I believe you suddenly care now?” She throws the flowers on the ground and turns on her heel. “Just stay away.” With that, she runs off, ignoring the protests and shouts of her friends, and she runs until she’s back at the ladder. Throwing a glance behind her shoulder, she sees nobody’s following her and she’s torn-on one hand, she’s relieved, it’s what she wanted, but on the other hand...she wants them to. She wants-no, needs-them to prove they still care about her. Tears blur her vision and shakiness invades her limbs, so she climbs up and slides the cover over the sewer before she scoots to the wall of the alley, lifting herself up by the wall. She bolts back up the stairs, into her apartment and slams the door. 

To her surprise, Aunt Irma is home much earlier than she said she’d be, and she’s currently at the stove making some kind of hot drink. She looks up at her niece’s arrival with a warm smile, which slips into a look of concern when she sees Lila’s tearful face. “Lila, honey, what’s wrong?” Lila doesn’t reply, she just throws herself into Irma’s arms, sobbing her heart out for a different kind of heartbreak. 

“My...my friends, they’re alive!” Lila announces, much to Irma’s shock. 

“Are, are you sure? The news said-”

“I’m sorry but the news lied! I went to go see them and they’re all alive! They’re alive and okay!” Lila sobs to her aunt, hanging her head. “They just didn’t tell me!”

Irma is perplexed, but then again, she didn’t get the news reports nor did she see records of Lila’s friends’ deaths, and she assumes her niece visited them in the hospital. “What? That’s great! They’re alive!”

Lila sobs harder. “I know, I know, but they didn’t tell me! I don’t know why! Why didn’t they tell me?! I-I thought they were my friends!” 

Irma suddenly understands everything, and she smiles gently, taking Lila’s face in her hands, and tilts her head to look her in the eyes. “Lila, I’ve never met your friends, but I know they care about you,” she begins, wiping some of Lila’s tears away with her fingers. 

“H-how?” Lila hiccups. 

“Aside from you being a wonderful person, it’s just a feeling that I have. There's a good reason for why your friends didn’t tell you. I don’t know what it is, but it doesn’t make what you went through any less valid or difficult. You love your friends so much, and it would be very hard for that love to not be reciprocated.” Irma takes her niece’s glasses off and cleans them. “They’re alive, and that’s what matters. Talk to them later, and I know everything will be cleared. And everything will be alright. In the end, it has to be.” She places Lila’s glasses back on. Her words bring a small smile to Lila’s face, and she hugs Irma.

“Thank you, Aunt Irma,” she says softly. “You deserve the world.” 

Irma takes Lila’s face in her hands again. “My dear, I’ve already got it in my hands.” She leans in, kissing her niece’s forehead. “Now, I think it’s time we had a break from all of this emotional and mental turmoil. Let’s treat ourselves to lunch, shopping, a movie and dinner.” Nodding, Lila follows Irma out with a big smile for the first time in three months. 

*

“Aunt Irma, is it okay if I see my friends? I know it’s late, but they live nearby,” Lila asks her aunt after they arrive home from dinner, shopping bags in their arms.

Irma takes her key out and thinks about it. “Okay, that’s fine, but be back before ten,” she says, unlocking the door. 

“Thank you for being the one constant in my life,” Lila thanks her aunt with a big hug. Irma’s eyes widen, but she smiles widely before hugging her niece back. Lila lets go, smiles at Irma and runs off, shutting the door behind her. Her friends do live close by, if you consider the nearest manhole to Lila’s building close.

Taking the same route, she notices that the secret door to the lair has been left open, which is highly dangerous, but these are the Turtles she knows, and the Foot will lay low for a good while due to their defeat. She also notices that it’s very quiet, unlike the lair, and sadly wonders if her earlier outburst has something to do with that. Cautiously, she approaches the doorway and pokes her head in. The entire group is crowded around the living room, looking sad and guilty. 

“Um, hi,” Lila says, stepping into the room, and everyone shoots up to look at her in shock. 

“Lila,” Mikey says in surprise, standing up, everyone else following him.

“We didn’t know if you’d come back,” Donnie says honestly. 

“I’m not mad anymore,” Lila says, walking into the living room. “I’m sorry for what happened earlier. I am. I thought all of you were gone. I was devastated. I thought that all my friends were dead, and that I was alone. It felt awful. For three months I thought of nothing but you and how much I missed you. But, I talked to my aunt.” Lila smiles sweetly even as her eyes fill with tears. “I’m just...so relieved and happy you’re all alive and okay. I thought I was never going to see any of you ever again.” The tears pour down her cheeks and Leo steps forward, his arms outstretched.

“On behalf of everyone, I am so sorry, Lila,” he says, and she runs into his arms and sobs her heart out in pure relief. 

“We never wanted any of that to happen to you,” Donnie puts in, hugging Lila from behind. 

“If it’s worth anything, we thought and talked about you all the time,” Mikey adds, hugging Lila’s left.

“Always,” Raph agrees, hugging Lila’s right.

“We missed you terribly,” April chimes in, hugging Donnie’s back. “We love you so much.”

“We would’ve loved to have you there,” Casey says, hugging April’s back.

“But, the thought of you in harm’s way was too great of a fear,” Splinter says finally, putting his hand on Lila’s head. All of them hold Lila as she sobs in joy and relief.

A day later, a shiny shell-cell arrives in Lila’s mail, with the following note.

Here, Lila, for you. This way, you’ll always be in the loop. We love you.

Love, your friends, 

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

**Author's Note:**

> I was like how could I fit Lila into the almost end of the first season? Unfortunately since she's still a student and unlike Casey and April, has noted family that she lives with, I had to fit her in by excluding her. Poor Lila. But it's all good! FRIENDSHIP!


End file.
